Truly Madly Deeply
by phantomrose23
Summary: No really! Jack has gone truly mad and it's deep! Jack gets manhandled in jail and the result? A tea party with a queer unicorn. Not to mention Elizabeth has a slight case of turrets when it comes to hitting. And dear William? Let's just hide the shinys!
1. Chapter 1: More tea my love?

In the jail, Jack is "manhandled" and since then has become, well a bit loopy. Will and Elizabeth find him on the ship having a tea party with various stuffed animals and dolls.

Note Some of the toys and incidents may be off date. However it is a comedy and comedy's are not supposed to be serious!

Disclaimer: sigh I do not own!!! OKAY!?!??!!? -- But I do appreciate reviews.

ONE SHOT

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"**More tea my love?"**

"More tea Miss Ortega?" Jack lifted the pink plastic pot with yellow and purple flowers painted on the sides, and offered it to the faded blonde doll in a cornflower blue hat. After a moments wait he smiled, flashing golden teeth. "You have wonderful taste," he slurred as he poured air into the matching plastic cups.

"And you Melissa? Tea?" Jack looked eagerly at the brown bear whose fur was flattened, holding out with a shaky hand, the plastic pot. "No? Are you sure?" The bear's big brown eyes remained wide and solid against Jack's. The rocking ship they were having their little tea party on quickly jolted to one side caused 'Melissa' to lean face first into the plate before her.

"You should really use a fork you know," commented Jack matter-of-factly, shrugging his shoulders and tipping the spout of the pot into his own cup. He watched the invisible liquid fill the rim of the toy before placing it back in the center of the table. He brought the plastic to his lips and began to suck dry air from its contents. Jack stopped slurping long enough to keenly glance at the fallen bear and sigh.

He brought the cup back down to the table and reached over a red-headed plush doll to sit up 'Melissa'. "Don't be mad love. It's only tea I was offering. Can't we be civilized in front of our guests?" He nodded at the doll known to him as 'Miss Ortega' and a few others that were slumped in their seats.

A quick pause assured the pirate that she would behave. "That's a girl." He lifted his cup in good manner and cheered them. The stuffed figures remained motionless, except for the slight sway of the ship. After another gulp of sea air, Jack looked intently upon a purple unicorn whose hooves gripped opposite sides of his pink plate.

"How's the mistress Yuni?" Jack folded his dirt caked hands on the table in front of him, attention now focused upon the queer horse. He suddenly nodded sympathetically. "Ah, give the lass my sympathies." Jack reached across the table and gripped Yuni's hoof in his hand and squeezed. "If all fails mate," Jack hiccupped, "You can join me in my quests." He gave another quick squeeze to the unicorn before withdrawing his hand.

"Cake anyone? Imported from Paris," he added with a sly grin. "Alright." Jack stood, stretching his legs that were cramped beneath a child sized table and strode to the desk. He fiddled through the drawers before retrieving more sea air from its darkness.

Jack bent over the blue table and set the 'cake' by the teakettle before taking his own seat next to the red-headed doll.

"See?" Elizabeth whispered to Will who were both standing in the doorway. "He's been like this ever since yesterday, when he escaped from jail."

"I see," Will nodded, rubbing his chin in thought.

"We need to do something before it gets any worse," she whined, gripping Will's arm.

"I don't see how this _could_ get any worse," Will snickered.

Elizabeth slapped his shoulder on impulse. "Go talk to him," she commanded.

"What? Why me? You're the one that's worried so bad-"

Elizabeth raised her hand in threat. Will cowered before her.

"Alright, alright. I'll go talk to him." Will moaned.

He treaded to Jack, shoulders slumped. "Jack? Elizabeth and I are concerned about your well-being."

Jack lifted his head, ignoring dear William.

"Jack?" Will touched his shoulder. "Are you feeling ok?"

"Excuse me Melissa." Jack scowled, turning to face Will. "Yes? This better be important, Melissa and I were in a deep conversation about her grandchildren."

"Right," Will hesitated. "Sorry to interrupt but you see Elizabeth and myself-"

"Would you like some cake?" Jack interrupted, offering him a plate. "Imported from Paris."

Wills eyes widened in delight. "Why thank you. Carry on, sorry to bother you." Will took the plate from Jack and went back over to Elizabeth.

"So?" she asked.

"I got the cake like you asked." He grinned, holding out the plate.

Elizabeth made to slap him again, but instead rubbed the skin under her eyes and sighed in frustration. "Try to keep up Will. For one there is not a thing on that child's toy and for second…I ASKED YOU TO GO TALK TO HIM AND FIND OUT WHY HE'S ACTING THIS WAY!"

"Ohhhh. Well actually you just asked me to go talk to him and I did. You mentioned nothing about-"

Elizabeth slapped him, this time her palm struck his face. "It was implied," she hissed.

"Well, why don't you go and talk to him then?" Will dug his fingers into the plate, then stuck them in his mouth.

"What are you doing?" Her eyes widened at Will's behavior.

"This is really good eats." He told her through bites. Elizabeth rolled her eyes, deciding to deal with Jack on her own.

"Jack?" She touched his shoulder like Will had done. Jack slammed down his cup and glared at her.

"If you wish to speak to me you must take a seat. Otherwise you are just interrupting my gathering and that luv, is just plain rude!" Jack rolled his fingertips across the table top. Elizabeth gulped then placed herself in a seat near Jack. "That's better." Jack exhaled, calming himself. "Now what is it that you wanted? Tea?"

"No thank you."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Positive?" he persisted.

"I'm sure," Elizabeth uttered.

"Well, come to a tea party and don't have any tea. You're not a very good guest," he began ranting to himself. "I mean when someone offers you tea, you at least except it to be polite but Miss Elizabeth here doesn't care for manners so declines said tea which I find quite-"

"Alright! I'll have some tea!" she shouted. Jack grinned.

"I knew you would come around." He filled a cup for her. "Oh how could I be this rude!" Jack began introducing her to the other guests.

"Nice to meet you all," she said hesitantly when he finished. "Jack I really need to talk to you."

"Alright. Out with it." He eyed her with interest.

"Well, I was wondering…JACK! WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS GOTTON INTO YOU!?"

"What do you mean darling?"

"JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF!!! You are supposed to be the most feared pirate on the sea and here you are having 'tea' with unicorns!" Elizabeth snatched Yuni from his seat and shook him.

Jack's eyes widened, his hand outstretched to save the unicorn. "Leave him alone. Put him down."

She glanced at the stuffed animal and snapped, "No! This is not you! It's not right! Jack come to your senses!" She shook the unicorn violently as if trying to get her message through to him.

"You are going to make him puke!" Jack wailed, shooting to his feet.

"Oh I'm going to make this stupid thing puke? How about a head injury? What if I chuck him across the room? Will he puke then?" Her breathing was heavy.

Afraid she would do something drastic, Jack whipped out his gun, aiming it at her forehead. "I shoot to kill, mate. Now put the unicorn down." Elizabeth froze in fear.

"Stop this madness!" Will intervened, running between them. "Just stop it!"

"Tell your lass to drop the unicorn."

"Elizabeth, put the unicorn down. We don't want you to die in some freak stuffed animal accident." Will bit his lower lip in wait. It was the longest two seconds of his life.

She sighed, gently placing Yuni in his seat. "Now get out. GET OUT!" Jack bellowed to them. Will raced out of the room, in fear of his life. Elizabeth followed a bit slower, eyes filling with tears.

"That's it! We've lost him. Jack's gone," she sobbed.

"Oh Elizabeth, don't cry. He's not gone. He's inside his cabin. Member? We were just there. Don't tell me you don't remember when he threatened to shoot you-"

"I don't mean physically you idiot! I mean mentally! Jack is-"

"Ooh shiny!" Will was drawn to the ledge of the ship were a bright metal object sat. Elizabeth snapped her fingers a couple of times.

"William boy, stay with me."

He jerked his head towards her and grinned stupidly. "Right."

She wiped the tears from her eyes when a loud and obnoxious moan filled the air. "Did you hear that?"

"Yea it sounded like this. Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooaaaaauuuuughhhhhh!!!!!!!" Will flailed his arms, dancing back and forth on each foot.

Elizabeth glowered at him. "I don't know why I fell in love with you in the first place."

Before he could answer, the Kraken's tentacles shot up from the sea and began wrapping themselves around the ship. Elizabeth shrieked, William soon to follow when he figured out their situation.

"We need to get Jack!"

Elizabeth raced to his cabin screaming, "Jack! The Kraken! He has come!"

"I thought I told you to leave?" He barked.

"No-"

An ugly tentacle shot through the window, grabbed Miss Ortega, and withdrew itself.

"Miss Ortega! No! Beastie, you die now!" Jack withdrew his sword and chased the Kraken's tentacle out into the sea.

"Jack!" Elizabeth leaned over the window and watched him dive into the sea. She then raced to the deck where William still stood in the same spot, face blue from screaming. Eye catching the shiny, he dove face first into the deck.

"My shiny." He stroked the object with the tips of his fingers. Another tentacle whipped William, his shiny flying into the water. "Hey! That's mine!" He dove off into the sea after his shiny. The Kraken suddenly retreated.

Elizabeth was left alone with the remainder of the ship and some cookies. Yes cookies. She sat criss-cross on the deck, popping cookies into her mouth, thinking to herself. _What idiots. _She rolled her eyes before coming to realization that she was stuck in the middle of the ocean with only that box of cookies that were going fast. And before she knew it. They were gone. Gone like the wind, and gone with it. Gone like Will and Jack, gone like Jacks sanity-you get the point.

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I don't want anyone to think I am against Jack or Will, I adore both. However I am against Elizabeth but you couldn't much tell in this chapter. I enjoyed writing Jack as an insane freak and Will as well…you are what you eat they say! So he must have eaten a dumb-dumb sucker and some chicken tenders. And we all know what Elizabeth ate. YAY for COOKIES!!! Hope you all enjoyed.


	2. Epilouge

So what ever did happen to Will and Jack? Did they die? And what about Elizabeth? Did she eventually finish her cookies? A follow up my dearys!

Disclaimer: I own…….not a thing written. OK? This sure gets annoying fast…

**EPILOUGE**

"**Some sea-brandy and a bearded woman."**

A few weeks passed with Elizabeth sitting on the destroyed ship. She stroked her beard as the heavy sea-rain came down. Her mind was not with her so it was not surprising when she didn't notice the man before her.

"Elizabeth?" The commodore asked.

Her eyes shot up. "James?"

"Elizabeth I can't belie- Oh my God! Is that a beard?" He retreated in disgust.

"I've been out here a long time Norrington."

"Ew no way! I'm out of here!" He shuddered, boarding his ship. "Alright boys lets go. She grew a beard."

"You can't just leave me here!" She wailed, trying to follow him onto his boat called CamellightbulbcitytownEXTRAVAGANZA!

"Oh yes I can actually." He shoved her onto the remains of the Black Pearl. Her butt slid across the rain-slick floor.

"James!" She called after him as the boat sailed away. Elizabeth sighed, glancing at Melissa. "Oh shut up!"

The doll stared at her through the downpour, mocking her. "I said shut up! You don't wanna end up like _him_ now do you?" She jerked her thumb at Yuni's leftovers. "Well do you? _Do you_?!" She slapped Melissa. "That's what I thought."

She crossed her arms. _I miss Will and Jack_. Little did she know they were living a life of luxury beneath her at the bottom of the sea at the Kraken's house. Will was surrounded by all the shinys the Kraken had and Jack held a real tea party with the squid who he had fallen in love with and was soon to marry.

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Yup. He marries the Kraken which I now wish I didn't write because that's a little too odd for my taste. Well actually I guess it's not. So Jack marries a sea creature and Will grows hunchback like Gollum who sits in his cave all day stroking his shinys. Life is good. Except for Elizabeth. Oh I can't leave her on the deck with a beard? Or can I? I won't be that cruel…Back to the story!

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Elizabeth was eventually rescued by Mr. Gibbs who for some reason was not on the ship with them…He takes her back to land where she joins the circus and falls in love with a man 1/8th her size. They live happily for two years until the fattest woman alive joins them where he leaves Elizabeth for the other woman. She goes crazy and finds herself out at sea with a box of cookies……………


End file.
